


Nobody Really Knows

by actualcactus



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, deceit's a bad guy, i personally wrote it with platonic prinxiety in mind, the prinxiety in this can be interpreted as either platonic or romantic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-14 20:03:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15396360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/actualcactus/pseuds/actualcactus
Summary: Roman doesn't want to think about his past and why he didn't like Virgil to start with, but with each slip up it resurfaces in his mind and haunts him.





	Nobody Really Knows

Roman huffed, raising his hands up exasperatedly. He didn’t get why Logan and Patton didn’t agree with him. Yeah, okay, sure; maybe you needed to be healthy in order to go on grand adventures but that could just be saved for later, couldn’t it? And maybe educating yourself was a good thing but why be educated when you could go on grand escapades across the country? Adventures were once in a lifetime things! You could learn to cook or what the weird glowing balls of fire in the sky were whenever you wanted but it was a once in a lifetime thing to be able to embark upon your destiny!

But then he found himself cutting himself off before he registered what he was doing as a dark figure appeared to his left, gravelly voice speaking above all of their raised ones no matter how loud the four of them managed to get in the few minutes that they were here for. Roman found himself scowling and leaning away from his spot on his right, Anxiety’s dark presence rearing like a thundercloud beside him. And, like the past few times, he found himself in the presence of Anxiety, he couldn’t help the whirlwind of negative emotions that swirled through his chest. It was almost melancholic, whenever Roman saw Anxiety, but without all the positive emotions that are associated with melancholy. Roman huffed and straightened his shoulders out, wetting his lips and attempting to smooth the disgruntled expression off of his face. It’s not like he had ever meant to dislike Anxiety or they had some sort of grudge with one another that was still yet to be resolved he just… brought up unwanted memories. And sure, maybe you could argue that it wasn’t fair for Roman to just entirely cut himself off from being nice to Anxiety just because his own personal experiences with people like him but Roman just couldn’t… help it.

It was like everytime Anxiety _appeared_ a tsunami of bad emotions crashed down over him with it. And, plus, even if he didn’t correlate Anxiety with the rest of the hidden sides it wasn’t that hard for him to find a way to dislike him. He was small, dark and brooding and seemingly ready to jump on his case whenever Roman made any sort of suggestion for Thomas (good _or_ bad, it didn’t seem to matter to Anxiety).

And even if Anxiety wasn’t the emo king he happened to be it was hard to like someone who brought up unwanted memories of slick smiles and flashing yellow eyes.

“Oh, good, my anxiety right on time!”

And then something changed in the atmosphere, in an almost dreamlike way, and Roman found words slipping out of his mouth without him even thinking about them. “Why not Sunshine over here?”

“They already ruled me out, Sir Sing-A-Lot.” He shot back, a smug expression bloomed over his features. Roman felt a jolt of panic spike through him, very briefly glancing over at Logan and Patton who were dressed up like Sherlock and Watson. They didn’t know about his past, they just thought he was a late bloomer or something. Calm down Roman, it’s just another video. Roman swallowed, looking back over at Anxiety and realizing he had been pausing for too long that if he stalled for much longer it would be an awkward pause. He thought fast, pulling his shoulders back and grappling onto the first thing he could think of. "Ha! I like that nickname, and I'm going to use it now!" He chirped, making some sort of random, unneeded, hand gesture.

And apparently, it was convincing enough because no one gave him a second look. "I mean, basic ideas are one thing but coming up with a good idea is what I struggle with."

"Well if it's not a perfect idea it's not good enough. You don't want to put anything out but your best." Roman responded, zero hesitation. Merely a moment later he felt something akin to panic slide into his consciousness, as he rethought about the words that had slipped out of his mouth with zero thought. That wasn't very beneficial, was it? Of course, he wasn't given enough time to ponder on his mistakes as suddenly Logan was warning him of a spider and Roman's panic increased tenfold as he moved to the left, looking over his shoulder frantically.

"Ah, maybe not-" And then things were melding together again and Logan lost his Sherlock getup and was instead facing him, a less open expression on his face. "-believe you, I just think you're being a jerk."

"Uh-" Roman began to protest, eyebrows furrowing together. Was everything he did wrong? He really had been trying, it hadn't been since before he was out that he had purposefully been... _mean_ , or, well, that was an exaggeration. He had still slipped up for a long time after (and he still did), not quite used to the changes in his environment and acquaintances. And... he had been pretty mean to Virgil for a long time, something that when he thought about it made his chest hurt a little. It hadn't been Virgil's fault that he reminded him of Deceit. He’d been through the same things as him if Roman had any guess. And, if anything, Roman was probably closer to being a dark side than Virgil was. He frowned slightly, trying to brush off those thoughts. No, he was out. 

Realizing he had been tuning Logan out accidentally, and he tried to catch up on what he had missed while Logan had been talking, catching onto motivation things. 

Something seemed to change again. And with his head reeling Roman was standing with this _stupid_ binder clutched against his chest. He looked between the others and huffed, pulling the binder away from his chest and tossing it on the ground. "Well, I don't know what to tell you guys except there's no winning on Christmas!" He cried, maybe a tad bit dramatic, but he _didn't_ know what else to tell them. He _did_ have a lot going on right now! And... his stupid carol idea was a fluke! He had had so much time way back when, being shoved into the back of the closet along with Thomas' stifled love for theatre and music and creating. He should be prepared! He looked over at Patton as he encouraged the others to not stifle him, and he felt a swelling of gratitude for the other side in his chest. 

"Oh, uh... true. How about we go for more positive, constructive criticism?"  

"Okay..." Roman directed his eyes over toward Virgil, hope blooming like a balloon in his chest. "It wasn't... good?" Then like a balloon Virgil popped it. 

"I don't like you." Roman spit out automatically, his emotions clouding his sense of judgment more than anything. It might have been old habit... it was probably old habit. God damn it, Roman. You were supposed to be better than this. He thought he had this under control. But then he was looking at Patton and something was wrong, and something in his gut twisted. He refused to acknowledge it, he didn’t want to acknowledge it. He didn’t want that.

But as Patton’s face fell and Logan was shut up against his own will everything clicked into its unwanted place, everything he had repressed for years, and he sucked in a breath. “Ooh, I get it now.” He said, looking between Logan and…. Patton.

“There are sides to everyone that people prefer not to know about but you’re the boss, Thomas.” Virgil said, and Roman bit down on his lip uncomfortably. “Anything you want to know, you _can_ know. You just... Have to be open to hearing it.”

Roman took a deep breath, built up the courage he didn’t know he had, then leaned toward Thomas with a nervous smile curving up the corners of his mouth. “In other words, would you _like_ to learn something new about yourself Thomas?”

No no no no no no no no no no-

“Deceit!”

Roman cringed as everything was topped off with a neat little Christmas bow, watching as Deceit took over the space that was supposed to be Patton’s spot, wonderful Patton, with that _stupid_ laugh of his that made him remember all the wrong things. He didn’t want this. “Oh, I hate this guy and his creepy… snake face!” Roman said, wrinkling up his nose and throwing an angry glare in the direction of Deceit. Something in Deceit’s gaze sharpened and something in him panicked, and like a few years ago all over again Deceit easily had him wrapped around his finger. “However, he _is_ very kind.” _No, he’s not._

“Love the new outfit, Roman.” Deceit said, mouth pulled up in a smirk.

Roman gasped and took a step back, looking around for a moment. “Thank you.”

_Why was he thanking him? He didn’t mean it. You don’t have to bend to his every will anymore Roman, you’re not one of them anymore. Thomas accepted you. You’re a light side._

“Why didn’t I know about him until now?!”

“He… had you convinced you were an honest person,” Virgil said, throwing one hand up.   
  
“But I… _am_ an honest person.”

_Thomas accepted him, he was a theatre kid. He was gay. He was feminine, but that was okay._

_You’re a light side._

“Why didn’t you guys tell me?”

Roman cringed, glancing over at Deceit again. “If you really don’t want to know something, he can keep our mouths shut.” _And he was pretty good at it._   
  
“I can’t believe I fooled myself like-”   
  
“Roman?”   
  
“-don’t want to believe it. That’s-”

“Roman?!”

“Things that you want-”  
  
“Roman!”   
  
Suddenly he succumbed to the darkness, but as his eyes adjusted he realized he was in his room. And Virgil was sitting on the bed beside him. Roman blinked a few times, raising a hand to rub at them, only for his hand to come away damp. “V- Virgil?”

“It’s like, 2 am but I was going to get something to drink and you sounded like you were in some sort of pain. So uh, sorry I let myself in but…” Virgil paused, watching as Roman wiped underneath his eyes. “Are you okay?”

“I, uhm,” Roman looked away briefly, before meeting Virgil’s gaze again. Something about Virgil coming in here on his own accord, in the middle of the night, to wake him up from his apparent nightmare and then be willing to listen to what happened; it was reassuring in some strange way. “I dreamed about… Deceit. And how I was shitty to you just because you reminded me of- you know.” He looked away again.

Nobody really did know, he never told anybody.

But when Virgil reached out and touched his arm to get his attention before holding his arms out, offering a rarely seen hug from him, Roman was pretty sure he did know.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @ actualcactuss !!  
> inspired by one of @ romanasanders headcanons, go follow her too!!!


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